We fell in love in 1987, love at first sight. By 1992 we had an amazing baby girl together. Then many more tries, and fails, to have babies, a tes 2nd trimester termination, attempted adoption – all things I thought would bond us irrevocably, since they didn’t split us up. We were buddies, loved the same quirky music, films, art and books. We shared some friends and not others. It was a life.
Then came the early afternoon of august 6th, 2012. I was doing the dishes, and he casually said, “I slept with someone at my high school reunion last summer.”
The world stood still. Who? Why. What…! what? why? who…
My world and personality began to break down.
Within two days I had tracked down the beginning evidence of nearly 2 years of an intense emotional affair that began months before they had unprotected sex, and kept going for year afterwards.
Clearly my husband had no intention to telling me bout the texting affair… as it turned out from the few last texts I got from our service, he intended to continue it. he told me about the sex, he said, to hurt me. Why? Why? Why?
I had thought we had a solid marriage with some communication issues – he thought he hated me and had “separated himself” from out family years before. Only he forgot to tell me, or our daughter.
He blamed me for her depression…I wonder why she (and I!) had deep clinical depressions. I only now can see, with hindsight, that we were both treated with the coldest cruelty.
He lied and lied and lied.
He texted his mistress while he was in bed with me. At the family dinner table. Everywhere. He told me he was on call, so he could take her calls.
On special family trips, I arranged so we could share a few good hours before our daughter left for the year, he texted her and sent her pictures.
The list of horrific betrayals goes on and on and on. He never sent me a greeting on my birthday…but spent hours on the phone and texting his lover. He never greeted me on our 23rd wedding anniversary, but spent hours phoning and texting his lover. He lost a job because he spent so much time texting his lover.
When I learned of their affair, I emailed her to tell her to go away. I made no threats. Yet she dragged me into court in Wisconsin – where I have never been – to accuse me of harassment. This from the woman who solicited my husband, knowing he was married, kept him involved (willingly, I add) in a deep affair.
She is evil. they are evil. She is also a physician and I feel for her patients. She is a racist and a horrific human being. Yet she claims to be “Christian” on her Facebook page. What a hypocrite.
My husband – possibly soon to be former–that still hangs in the balance – had pretty much lost his mind when his father came out as a chronic philanderer with both/all sexes, and his mother starved herself to death when she had to face it. The guilt was overwhelming, but I now know about how adultery passes through the generations.
I tell him that he brought evil into our family, and has increased the likelihood that our daughter will have a betrayer in her life. Tragic.
The end of our story is not written. We have a Greek chorus of therapy. I am sad, lonely, and resolved. I have met with a divorce lawyer, so I know my choices. I have a job coach, so I am getting ready to start over. Again. It sucks.
There is no good choice between the man you’ve loved for a quarter century, unconditionally, and found out that he betrayed you, crumpled up your soul then threw it in the gutter and pissed on it….and starting over, alone, middle aged, under employed, and hardly someone who anyone wants as a life partner. Feeling like loser at life and love, thanks to the cruelty of a selfish man.
It’s a nightmare that just won’t end and I need it to stop.